Poker News

I want to thank you for finding a way to help Chris Moneymaker win the 2003 World Series Main Event. This was the best thing that happened to me since my parents met in the late 60s. You brought a good ol’ no-name American Schlub to the forefront, paid him a couple million, and trumpeted the fact that he won his buy-in online. Brilliant. Soon enough, the Internet was lousy with dreamers with credit cards, and I was able to upgrade my stereo and TV.

But poker, we need to talk about who you’re letting play on TV nowadays. Going in, I actually thought that these celebrity games might be a good thing for poker. That being said, in the very first episode of “Celebrity Poker Showdown” on Bravo, the cast of “The West Wing” proved that even famous people can look like total boobs on television. What’s worse is that the trend has continued, putting all sorts of pseudo-celebrities in front of the camera with chips and cards in their hands. I care about Phil Ivey trying to cash higher in a tournament where he gets to take home the cash. I don’t care very much about Jeff Gordon and the NASCAR boys playing like morons for a charity paycheck. I’ll give James Woods and Mimi Rogers a pass here. They seem to know what they’re doing. The rest of you? You’ve got the money to go buy Super System 2. Run, don’t walk, and please fold King/Deuce, even if it’s suited.

I want to thank you for Lyle Berman and the World Poker Tour events on The Travel Channel. Lyle, you sir are a genius. Once a week we’re graced with the world’s best big buy-in poker tournament final tables, and we get to watch some of the greatest gamblers on the planet play with real money on the line. It took a visionary to see this as the high drama entertainment it is, and for that Lyle, I thank you. As more and more people become interested in this game through your pioneering efforts, more and more people continue to contribute to my various casino trips and further gambling exploits around the country. Lyle, you da man.

But poker, we need to talk about how you’re being co-opted by “marketing geniuses” around the country. Poker, I know you can’t really help how popular you’ve become, and I know you really don’t have any control over your image in the hands of the Ad Wizards of Madison Avenue, but I really need to blame someone for using you to sell beer, deodorant, Internet travel sites, and whatever else I’m missing. Poker, you’re in danger of spreading yourself real thin right now, and that’s never good. Not only that, but we’re one tag line uttered by an elderly lady in a commercial from “I’m All-In” turning into this generation’s “Where’s the Beef?” Memo to Ad Wizards: Please find something else to pound into the ground. That is all.

I want to thank you for turning Daniel Negreanu, Antonio Esfandiari, Layne Flack, and particularly Gus Hansen into recognizable celebrities. The WPT shows on The Travel Channel are helping sow the seeds of a generation of maniac players chasing draws with junk cards at nearly every level of Internet poker, and I think these guys are the reason why. Anyone who knows their cards inside and out can tell you that final table poker holds a lot of nuance. Sometimes it makes perfect sense in a situation to play what appears to be junk in the same way you play Aces. But since the WPT episodes edit out plenty of the fold-to-the-raiser hands that end pre-flop, what the public sees is Gus Hansen ramming a Jack/Five offsuit with huge bets and claiming a pot on a stone bluff completely out of context. As a memo to all new Internet poker players out there - Play just like this all the time, because I absolutely am looking forward to upgrading my Direct TV package in the very near future.

But poker, we need to talk about, Phil Hellmuth. Frankly poker, I don’t even know where to begin with Phil. Yes, he’s provided us with great moments like his 1989 WSOP Main Event victory. Yes, I nearly fell off my chair laughing when he was shown shirtless brushing his teeth during last year’s ESPN coverage of the World Series. But poker, do we have to put up with the crybaby stuff? I don’t know if it’s all Phil Hellmuth’s fault, but anyone who’s laid a bad beat to another player online usually has to sit through a good five minutes of ridiculous ranting as a penalty. I realize this isn’t golf and we’re playing for real money here, but the whining has gotten way out of hand, and I’m conveniently going to blame the most famous whiner out there, Phil Hellmuth.

You know poker, if you and I can work together on some of these things, I think we really can find a way to step up to the next level. Both of us. You’ve been really good to me so far, and I’m not ashamed to tell you how much you’ve meant to me so far - in a purely platonic way of course. I’m just a little worried that you’re going to end up over-exposed and in the back of my closet like my comic books and my Go-Bots collection. For now? Stick with me poker, and let’s see what we can do about that plasma screen TV I’ve been eyeing for a couple months now.

Filed under: Poker News