August 8th, 2005
John Vorhaus
This year’s World Series of Poker is history, and once again history was made by the massive contingent of online poker players, whose teeming numbers swelled the ranks of every single tournament, and helped break attendance records for the main event and many others. With popularity comes notoriety, and it’s no secret that online poker has been the subject of much press and punditry in every media outlet from ABC’s Nightline to, probably, Cat Fancier magazine. “Internet poker is a cultural phenomenon,” pronounce the talking heads.
Yeah? “Sun sets in west. Film at eleven.” But no cultural phenomenon has truly arrived until it has its own “you know you’re a…” list, such as “you know you’re a redneck,” or “you know you’re a reality TV star,” or “you know you’re an Enron executive.” Never one to shirk from the responsibility of bending pop culture to his own snarky vision, I am happy to present
YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN ONLINE POKER PLAYER WHEN…
You think “sitngo” is a real word.
Your fingers are calloused from clicking “bet pot.”
You come home from playing poker and immediately play more poker.
You’ve played poker for years but have never actually seen a deck of cards.
You know most of your best friends by their screen name only.
The first time you played in a cardroom or casino, you looked for the “bet all/raise all” button.
You stay up till three in the morning because “there’s this bitchin’ freeroll on Party.”
You miss your mother’s birthday because “there’s this bitchin’ freeroll on UB.”
You wear a catheter for no medical reason.
You haven’t seen the sun in three days.
Your idea and your girlfriend’s idea of “all-in protection” are two very different things.
You won’t play in your local cardroom because there’s no refer-a-friend bonus.
Your entire wardrobe consists of online player’s hats and shirts.
GL, NH, NB, GG and TY all make sense to you.
You stop writing this list in the middle of writing this list to play a little online poker.
Though you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, playing four simultaneous sitngos is no problem.
You don’t remember your own phone number, but know your Neteller details by heart.
You upgraded to DSL and a high resolution 20″ monitor “for no particular reason.”
You can cram a four-course meal into a five minute tournament break.
The first question you ask of any vacation spot is, “Do they have internet?”
You’ve been playing online every day for the past 18 months, but can quit any time you want.
You haven’t seen your spouse/lover/significant other in weeks, but you see RustyNail23 every damn day.
Sleep? Who needs sleep?
You’ve typed, “I hate you, I hope you die” in the chat window on more than one occasion.
You’ve taken every bad beat known to man — except the next one.
Filed under: Poker News
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