Poker News

Turning the tables

Hobby and I drove to the farmer’s market in West L.A. to buy fresh veggies. He was on another health kick, concocting all sorts of liquefied vegetable goop to purify his body. I stay silent on the sidelines, knowing that in another week or so he’ll be lusting over a medium-rare steak. Hobby was inspecting a bunch of organic kale when I spotted someone I recognized.

“Julie,” I shouted to catch her attention. When she turned I saw her eyes were red. She wanted to be recognized like someone wanted to be stopped for speeding, but she managed to muster a smile for me.

We had dated at Fresno State and in one of those rare experiences, at least for me, we had a very satisfying non-sexual relationship.

“Joe, of all people on earth, I hate for you to see me looking like this, but there’s no one I’d rather talk to right now.” I introduced Julie to Hobby and told him we were headed for the coffee shop. When we were seated in a back booth I said, “Julie, I haven’t seen you since the wedding. What was it, two years ago?”

“Over three, Joe. But lately it seems like forever.”

“What’s wrong, Babe?

Is it Charlie?” I knew her hubby too, a recording industry executive. I thought the two of them were a pretty good match. “Is he cheating on you? I’ll kick his ass.”

I wasn’t kidding either, but she said, “No, it’s not that.” Then she went silent, seemed reluctant to open up. But what are friends for? I decided to probe.

“Last I knew, you had a hot album of your original songs on the charts and a promising career ahead of you. What happened?”

“You might say I was a one-hit wonder, Joe. I made a few more recordings, did the promotion routine, but even with Charlie’s inside help, I fizzled. Just another pretty girl with a good voice. Once Charlie and I accepted the inevitable, we decided to start our family, but that fizzled too. The magic has gone, Joe.” More silence, she retreated again. “I’m sorry to hear that, Julie. Do you still love him?”

She squinted her tearing eyes, smushed her lips and nodded an affirmative answer. We sat quiet for a minute or more. I’m no Dear Abby, but she was a good kid, and I sincerely wanted to help…yet how? “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

Slowly she opened up.

“After we found out we couldn’t have kids, our intimate relationship gradually went out the window. He was spending more time at work and with his friends playing poker. When he was at home, he was hours on the internet playing TexasHold ‘Em. Seems like Texas Hold ‘Em took a hold on my man.”

“Jeez,” I said with a laugh. “You sound like a living, walking-talking, country western song.” That got a big rise; her warm, rolling musical laugh reminded me of the old Julie.

“You hit it on the head, Joe,” she said, laughing too. “I’m just like one of those hapless women who’ve been done wrong.”

“Okay,” I said. “Now, if you had to write the rest of the song, how would it go?” She smiled as she tipped up her head, immersed in thought. Then with a bright gleam in her eyes she said, “I’d turn the tables on him; see how he’d like it.”

I had an intuitive flash. “By God, that’s right on, Julie. Go for it!”

“Well,” she said, “I don’t know…it’s easy to joke about writing a song like that, but I really couldn’t do it.”

“Why not, Julie?” I encouraged. “Why don’t you start playing poker on the internet? When he comes home for dinner, let him fend for himself.” “Yeah, that’d give him something to think about, but I barely know how to play, Joe.”

“Not to worry. I can give you a crash course to get you started. You don’t have to become an expert; you just have to make it look like you know what you’re doing.”

“Gee, I don’t know, but… nothing else seems to be working.” She was perking up again. “It might even be fun…and I don’t see how it could hurt. Okay, so what do I do?”

We made arrangements to meet on Hobby’s boat, Lazybuns, where both of us could teach her the rudiments of the game. Over the course of the next few weeks Julie learned Hold ‘Em and, more important, her attitude soared. She hadn’t sprung her surprise on Charlie yet, but she was about ready to begin.

Later I was to learn I was not the only one to notice the positive change in her demeanor. Charlie– perhaps feeling guilty because of his neglect — became suspicious of his wife’s changed attitude. He figured she must be having an affair and hired a private investigator. Julie’s next and last visit to Lazybuns was taped, including me seeing her off with a kiss on her cheek.

A week or so later we heard from Julie, who was perplexed by Charlie’s reaction to her poker playing gambit. “I don’t know, Joe. Charlie’s seems to have gone into shock, seeing me playing poker at my own computer. It’s not quite the reaction I expected, but I’m letting it play out, besides I’m having fun for a change. And here’s the best part, I’m actually writing a song about Texas Hold ‘Em. I’ll sing it for you once I get down pat.”

“That’s great, Julie. I can’t wait.”

The next call was from Charlie. “Joe, I thought you were our friend. How could you?”

“Hey, Charlie,” I said with a laugh, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

“What the hell do you mean, Joe? I wasn’t screwing anyone!” he said angrily.

“What? You don’t think… Charlie, you dumb shit! You probably don’t deserve it, but she loves you. My friend Hobby and I have been teaching her how to play poker.”

“You expect me to believe that, Joe?”

“You damn well better. As a matter of fact, she’s even written a song about it! Have her sing it to you.”

A few days later I got an apology from Charlie, and in the mail a recording of thesong, “Texas Hold ‘Em Got a Hold on My Man.”*

I glowed with pleasure as Hobby and I listened to Julie’s emotion laden voice singing:

My Mama was a widow lady early in life Alone with seven kids who gave her trouble and strife.

I guess I am a widow too. At least so it’s said.

A “Poker Widow” that is… Hell, he might as well be dead….

CHORUS:

A game called TEXAS HOLD ‘EM’s got a hold on my man.

He’s playin’ TEXAS HOLD ‘EM ev’ry chance that he can.

I think the situation’s gettin’ way outta hand!

Since that ol’ TEXAS HOLD ‘EM’s got a hold on my man.

Ev’ry Monday night he’s at his poker game.

Tuesday night he’s on the web for more of the same.

Wednesday after work his phone call ain’t no surprise:

“Don’t wait up, Hon, I’m play-in’ Hold ‘Em with a few of the guys.”

By Thursday night I’m thinkin’ maybe now is my chance

I’m at the door all ready for a little romance.

But he has brought home all his buddies and he’s tellin’ me, “Dear,”

We couldn’t play tonight at Jerry’s. Would you bring us some beer?”

(Repeat CHORUS)

Well, he was late agin’ last night … He says he just couldn’t stop

‘Cause he was waitin’ for the deal so he could see the last flop.

He swears his hand was primo, had some pocket rockets so neat.

Good on the flop…good on the turn…but on the river…he got bad beat.

Well, I’m a modern woman and I figured out what to do.

In Texas all the Ladies learn to play poker, too.

So I got on the web and learned to play it somehow

Then I’d say, “Dinner’s in the oven, Hon, don’t bother me now.”

“I’m playin’ TEXAS HOLD ‘EM, ev’ry chance that I can.”

Yeah, that ol’ TEXAS HOLD ‘EM’s got a hold on my man.

I think the situations gettin’ way outta hand!

Since that ‘ol TEXAS HOLD ‘EM’s got a hold on my man.

Oh, how, that dude came unglued whenhe got back what he gave.

Lord, you should have heard the way he ranted and raved.

And so we got us TWO computers, and we both play on-line

I ain’t a poker widow now and Wow! That suits me just fine!

A game called “TEXAS HOLD ‘ EM got a hold on my man.

He’s playin’ TEXAS HOLD ‘EM ev’ry chance that he can.

I’d say our situation got a bit outta hand!

When that ol’ TEX-AS HOLD ‘EM…TEXAS HOLD ‘EM… TEXAS HOLD ‘EM…got a hold on my man.

“Hot damn, Hobby,” I shouted. “I do believe Julie has another hit!”

*Lyric by Faith Berlin & David Valley

Filed under: Poker News